clint210

It's been a very long time since I've written in here. I still get on DA sometimes but not as often as I once did. Reading through my old journal entries is surreal. It takes me back to a time and place that seems like someone else's past; not my own. However, it is mine and I'm thankful for having my Livejournal to go back to for refreshers because no matter ones memory, one forgets. I wish I wrote in there as often as I used to for I know I'll regret not placing my thoughts, emotions and happenings presently to read years from now. I hope to work on that failure.

I still don't think I've recovered from the shock of what occurred at one point in my life...a point where I was misjudged and accused of something I did not do. I wonder if I ever will. Sometimes, I think I avoid DA for that very reason : it reminds me of things best not remembered. Of people no longer here that upon their leaving, also took their misguided opinions and beliefs about me with them. I think that hurts the most. One person can think one thing and before you know it, the entire pool is tainted and unimaginably clouded and dirty.

I am not the person I once was. I've lost touch with people on here that meant something to me...that applauded my writings, of which were nothing more than letters put together in phrases to describe momentary hurts and joys in my life. Me. I recall writings of blades and blood, of sex and tears, of darkness and hopes. Of lost loves. I remember it all but that doesn't mean I want to relive it all. Rather,  I am coming back to DA with a hope to put down new letters, new phrases, new descriptions of who I am today. There is no longer blades and blood...

...but there is still everything else, albeit, convoluted and distorted, to the point that I may no longer be recognizable.

We shall see.

Life is looking up, except for a few matters.  Potentially being accused of doing something one didn't do, by the people that one had spent so much time with, really sucks.  Yup.  I'm pretty stressed out about something but there's nothing I can do about it except sit and wait to see the outcome.  It's shocking to think that the people who you thought knew you the best could think so badly of you.  I'm just thankful to have two wonderful parent's, a wonderful boyfriend and amazing friends. I have my health and I have intelligence.  Those are all things to be thankful for, indeed.  

But, at the end of the day I still wish that I wasn't the type to worry about things I have no control over.

Well, even when it seems like your life has stopped (albeit, the way one tends to know their life...), the lives of others goes on.  In turn, your compass starts moving again.  You find yourself casting your eyes around the room then the porch then the street, car, houses zooming by and eventually, you look down and realize that you've mustered through the sadness and despair and that you've put your shoes on the right feet after all.  Maybe you can do this. Maybe if today you can make to the store to get gas then tomorrow you can make it just a little bit further.  And that's how life goes.  

Your walls stay up strong...after all, they are usually the ones holding you in.  Questions rage, confusion keeps you awake at night.  How, why, WHY?!?!  The answers to this one probably will never arrive and the knowledge that one is being accused of being someone, something, that they are not, by the people that used to matter the most...well...it's a painful thing to endure. It hurts.  

And that's how life goes.

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday! Mine? Well, I really can't complain

My parent's got me a nice new knife set, air purifiers, gifts certs, clothes and many other things.  My friends paid we extremely well for fixing their computer.  My boyfriend got me Guitar Hero, a new bedside clock/radio that makes six different relaxing sounds all night and also projects the time on the ceiling (he's hoping this will get me to take my contacts out more, lol), a 4 foot around dark wood roman numeral wall clock that I've been wanting badly, a bunch of boxes of Rockstars, shot glasses and the best of all gift...a signed copy of a book by one of, if not my number one, favorite authors : Terry Goodkind . Yes, a SIGNED COPY by THE most famous fantasy/scifi author of our time.  I cried, yep, haha.  I spent Christmas Eve as his parents house and the next morning we went to his grandma's.  Then we went to my parent's.  They got him some really nice things as did his parent's for me.  Next time we go up we're going to play some cards with them.  We've all hung out many times now and they're really taken with him

It was so nice seeing friends and family...things went so smoothly.  I also won a Quake match so I can't complain...wooohoo!